Full of Myself

I recently found myself reading the comments on a Youtube video. This horrible time-suck got me thinking. You see, this video was a woman that was pushing her diet ideas and happily promoting her healthy lifestyle. While I think her approach to improving other people's health is flawed (read Body, Mind and Sport for an overview of what I do think works for optimizing your health), I thought her confidence and happiness was lovely. Obviously, not every commenter would have agreed. One woman referred to her as being "full of herself".

I found myself reflecting on this statement. If you aren't full of yourself, then what the hell are you full of? What is so wrong with a woman being confident in her body and her choices? Having dealt with a near lifetime of self-esteem issues, I am pretty proud to be confident about myself, my body, my everything. Sure, I do things and say things that aren't great, but that doesn't mean I'm not great, it just means I make mistakes, like all other humans on the planet. It also doesn't mean that my life is easy. I encounter obstacles within and without myself constantly. But I have learned to work on my negative traits, to let go of dramas that don't matter, and to embrace the difficult changes that sometimes surface.

When we speak negatively about someone being full of himself/herself, I would argue that we are typically referring to a woman. When we discuss the same traits in a man, we use words like "proud", "strong", or "independent". The same traits in a woman, for some reason or another, are unwelcome. I would also argue that mostly women abuse the phase "full of herself" in reference to other women. Maybe it's jealousy, perhaps personal despair, regardless, it ruins our collective psyche, limiting the sum of our potential. It says, "Stay quiet, woman. You are not worthy."

This past weekend, I was teaching a restorative yoga workshop. I spent some time discussing how truly happy I am in my life at this moment, "blissed out", as I like to call it. I feel that finding balance in the chaos of life with true rest and rejuvenation brings me this happiness. It helps that I have an amazing little family, too. But as these words fell out of my mouth, I immediately felt guilty. Isn't it funny that I would feel guilty about sharing my happiness? It isn't really funny. It's totally normal, because proclaiming one's happiness with life, body, love, etc. is "being full of yourself". But, when I put all of these words together on this page and reflect, I want nothing less than being full of myself.

A Shout out to High-Five Hoodoo

When I first started running, Duane would take me over to Palmer Park to run the Templeton Gap trail. You might be familiar with the trail. It's death in the form of some dirt and rocks. The terrain involves intense, short climbs that will leave you hating running, and your partner, at least it did for me. Duane is also very fast, and I'm pretty sure he could've hiked the 3.8 mile route faster than my beginner legs could run it.

I had a lot of special stops along this run "The Hill I Hate", "Kill me Now Rocks", and "High-Five Hoodoo", my most favorite. Typically, at these places, I would be doubled over, panting, and all out crying tears of pain and hate for the trail. With the breath that I would have left, I was regularly chanting, "I can't do this, I can't do this, I can't...." High-Five Hoodoo was a little different.

As a beginning trail runner, I found myself constantly watching Duane's footwork and trying my best to move with the same light, quick strides. At the last 0.3 miles of the run, High-Five Hoodoo just seems to jump right into the trail. I'm pretty sure it smacked me on my first couple of runs. Once I caught on to its game, I started hitting it back. My hits started as slaps of anger across it's sandy surface, as if the hoodoo represented all of Palmer Park. After months and months of training in the park, these slaps evolved into a habitual hand brush across the rock. But, somehow along the way, I actually began to enjoy these runs and my hit became more of a high-five.

I run a lot of different routes through that park, now. Some are only 3.8 miles and some are as long as 13.3 miles. Each run gets a visit to High-Five Hoodoo. Somehow, that rock actually pulled me through so much training. But, alas, now that I have two kids and live on the west side, I never get over to Palmer Park any longer. I kind of miss my sturdy, ancient running buddy.

Today, I didn't get over and run in Palmer Park. As a matter of fact, I haven't been in that park for well over a year. But, I offered up my run to High-Five Hoodoo, because with two kids, I ran on the dreadmill. I didn't just run on the treadmill, but I ran 10 miles on the treadmill. I was a little afraid of defeat from this 90 minute run. After all, it is much easier to bail on a treadmill, compared to an out-and-back route. But I did it, and on some level, I'm pretty sure High-Five Hoodoo is pretty impressed.

Garden 10M and Beyond

I finished the Garden 10 mile with a PR. My finish was 1:33.27 compared to 1:34.23 back in 2008...when I was a slower runner....but I'll take it. The race was great and is actually pretty inexpensive for the distance. I'd post some pictures of myself racing, but I truthfully looked terrible, shoulders forward and head back. It looked like my body was still carrying a baby, and has facilitated my increase in core strengthening.  I may be able to physically run the distance, four months after baby, but my body is still recovering. With how much we are bombarded by images of "body after baby" celebrities covering "days after birth", it's important to remember that the rest of us #1) don't rely on our body for our income...and #2) should rely on functionality more than looks...and even if it looks "put together", it might not necessarily be back to one piece.

 In regards to body image, I totally don't care that I'm carrying an extra 15 lbs. I'm not as fast, but I don't care about that either. I'm healthy...and I'm totally enjoying summer with an almost 4 year old and a very jolly little baby. Between soccer camp and zoo camp, running, bike riding, playing and swimming, I'm having way too much fun being a kid, again. How do you stay young forever? My answer, right here and right now, is to have kids.

In addition to running the race, I was also in charge of an aid station. While this seemed like it wouldn't be a big deal, it was a huge deal. Duane was able to decorate and run the station that day, but I did a lot of pre-planning. I've done it a million times, and I always underestimate how much time it really devours. It's a fantastic, team-building opportunity for our high school cross country team, but I always put more work into it than I intend.

In addition to all of that fun, we spent a few days camping. We had planned on four days, but adjusted to three. Aspen has always been the type of kid to "go, go, go" rather than eventually pass out from activity. The girl just doesn't stop, so tons of fun and sleeping in a camper was getting difficult and we bailed on Sunday night rather than Monday morning. We were only in Golden, though, so the bail was easy and home was an hour away.

Regardless, the trip was a blast. We spent three days at the cheapest, smallest, and most family friendly bluegrass festival in the west, the Golden Music Festival. It's put on by the local history museum of Golden. The bands were fun, and Aspen was able to run around an play throughout the event. We also visited the Miners Maze and Adventureland. I found a Livingsocial deal for the place. It was pretty cool. At first, I thought Aspen would be too little or scared for the activities. I was totally wrong. This girl has no fear. She had a blast, Duane had a blast, and Rowan and I stayed snuggled with my two feet on the ground.

Our next big race is The Half on the Fourth in Colorado Springs. Duane and I will both be running. We'll follow that up with the Rocky Mountain Half Marathon in Estes Park. I will run the race, and Duane will run his favorite route through Rocky Mountain National Park. This will also be a multi-day family trip, where we'll stay at the YMCA of the Rockies, which offers tons of family friendly activities. Wish me luck...not so much on the race, but on the four day stay!

Kokopelli Kids!

I spend a lot of the year watching kids run, as a high school cross country and track coach. I love passing on my love of running to young adults, in hopes that they will become life-long runners or college athletes. When I knew the baby was coming in February, I decided to take the spring season of track off. Being a great teacher, coach and mom is very difficult...and being a mom comes first.

Typically, my spring flies by and I jump into the summer feeling like a stranger in my home. Duane and Aspen have a regular schedule of time at the Y, working out, childwatch and swimming. This season has been different. I've loved every moment of our Saturdays, finding the next free activity at the library or a local nature center to enjoy. I've also loved watching Aspen run in her first Kokopelli Kids Trail Series.

She is 3 and ran in the preschool 0.5 mile division. I was a little surprised at the distance. She has run some fun 100 meter races, but we actually had to prepare for the 0.5 miles. We went over to the Santa Fe Trail a couple of times and would run her normal push-bike route. I was mainly concerned that she would stop, fall, freak out or all of the above. After she broke her arm, falling off a balance beam, I decided to run the first race with her, just to catch her if she stumbled.

She had a blast during her first race. I loved jogging next to her and watching the pure joy on her face. She took my hand a couple of times for support up the tiny hills. She also stopped for an exaggerated huff-and-puff during the last 0.25 mile. It was lovely, and silly, and so much fun. Instead of crossing the finish line, she stared at it for a bit and then walked over to her papa. Clearly, she needed some work on her finish. She was very proud of her post race water, fruit snacks and purple ribbon.

With each race, I let go a little more. During the second race, I waited at the 0.25 mile turn around, then I snuck behind her for the final stretch. She was not happy about me following her, but I knew she had struggled during the last half. Sure enough, she was fine without me...though she still went right for grandma and papa after the race.

During the last race, I watched her at the start and waited for her at the finish line. With a beaming smile, she watched everyone start around her as she slowly trotted across the line. She took longer, because she was waiting for her new friend throughout the 0.5 mile. She finally made it across the finish, and enjoyed a celebratory slice of pizza and chocolate chip cookie after the event.

It was so enjoyable to watch her. It's not because she is fast (I could honestly care less about her speed), but it is because she is having so much fun just playing and making friends. I love coaching kids to run fast, but I love doing that when they are older. For now, I will foster fun, play, and lots of physical activity for my girl. I will also continue to enjoy springtime with my babies.

Here I Run

The past two weeks of running have been pretty inexplicable. My abilities have changed, daily; and I'm grateful for the natural improvement. Truthfully, I haven't even been trying. It became noticeable a week ago, when I stood at the starting line of Take 5 in the Garden. I had decided to drag my butt off the couch and get moving, but my strategy was to walk every hill and generally take it easy with some 14 minute miles. I was certain that the race would take me over an hour to finish. But, as I talked running with a coworker, I heard, "There you are!" It was my friend, Vanessa. "Shit," I thought, "I'm actually going to have to try."

As we began our run, I tried to convince her that she really wanted to run faster, without me. Needless to say, she never left my side. We actually made a great pair. I was more motivated to run up the hills, and she pushed the downhills a little harder (I have a lot of downward momentum...otherwise known as "junk in the trunk"). We actually finished around 47 minutes, which was at least 20 minutes faster than I was anticipating. If I were to do anything differently, it would only be to run with a Camelbak. Nursing mommies need more fluid, and it was super hot.

At the finish

 Later in the week, I took to the Garden, again. Immediately after work, I started at the Manitou Pool and began running the Garden 10 Mile course. I made it just past Ridge Road before turning around at about 30 minutes. It was a lovely day. The next two days were spent with student award ceremonies and Kokopelli Kids. When I finally had a chance to hit the treadmill on Saturday, I was super strong. I did a progression run and finished with about 0.5 miles at a 7:30 pace, twice. In total, I ran 5 miles and swam 2/3 of a mile. This was all followed by amazingly fun kids activities. By the end of the day, I felt like I had run a marathon. Duane had run a trail half marathon in Denver, finishing 3rd overall. I'm pretty sure my day, in total, was tougher :)

Ridiculously Fun Kids Activities

 Today, I ran the Garden 10 Mile course from the Manitou Pool and hit the main entrance of the park before turning around. I felt good, but the crazy weather made the run tough. It was a cold rain, when I started, that had me soaked within 3 minutes. By the time I was warm, the rain had turned into sleet that blasted my face during every northern running section, which was basically the first 35 minutes. All in all, it was an awesome start to my Mother's Day. I'm starting to feel motivated to run, and that was a big hurdle to overcome.

Getting Back

I had a goal to run the St. Patrick's Day 5K this past weekend. It was exactly 4 weeks after the birth of our second child, and I thought this would be my first race, getting back to normal. But, running has been tough this time. Maybe it's my older body or my 10 lb. 10 oz. baby, but more likely, it is my love of soaking up every little bit of baby time I can get. Because, this is it. This is our last little baby.

I'm not disappointed that I didn't run the race. I am a bit overwhelmed that I can't really run. It's like starting all over again, and I don't remember it being this hard after my first baby. However, Saturday was more than an unattained goal. I did run 3.8 miles. It was the furthest distance that I have run in awhile. Only 2.5 of it was continuous, but up until that point I had only run one or two blocks at a time.

Moving forward, Duane and I are revisiting our goals from after we had our first baby. We will, again, run a half marathon-a-month. Some of these races we have run before (and the reports can be found on the blog Run, Raft, Love Colorado if you are interested in reading them), and some of the races will be new experiences. We will start in July (well, June if you count the Garden of the Gods 10 mile) and end the following year.

Here is our race schedule:

June: Garden of the Gods 10 Mile
July: Half on the 4th Half Marathon
August: Rocky Mountain Half Marathon
September: ADTM Half Marathon or Pony Express
October: Xterra Marathon of Trail Races Half Marathon
November: Rim Rock Marathon Relay
December: Rock Canyon Half Marathon
January: TBD
February: Super Half Marathon
March: Run Through Time Half Marathon
April: Platte River Half Marathon
May: Fear the Deer Half Marathon

We will probably do a lot of small, local races in between. I have no personal performance expectations, because if I've learned anything in the past year, it's to not take this running stuff so seriously. I just want to run, have fun, and hopefully fit into my clothes again someday.

Winter Series Short 1, 2, and 3...in summary

I seriously think I'll quit racing for awhile.  I'll finish the series, complete the Run Through Time half marathon, and finish with the Skirtsports half marathon, but that's it.

The Winter Series has been gruelingly difficult for me for a couple of reasons.  First, I am in 12th place overall behind 9 high school (and younger) runners.  A few of these young women are the fastest in the state, and pretty soon the nation.  Bravo.  They are fantastic.  While I could spend my time comparing the million-and-one things that make my training schedule difficult and less competitive than theirs, instead, I'll focus on my second reason.  I have gained 15 pounds.  Fifteen pounds is a lot of extra weight to be lugging around on the trail, and I am slower.  I am, once again, an "Athena" runner.  I am tempted to reflect on my race and to encourage myself to lose those 15 pounds.  Here's the clincher, I've spent an entire year trying to gain those pounds.  Yet, every race sparks a little bit of chaos in my mind about the extra weight, and the pregnancy that didn't work.

So, that's my summary.  Every race has been the same thing.  I race a little slower.  I beat myself up about it.  I spend two weeks pushing myself.  Repeat.  I want to break this cycle, so I'm planning to just run the races that I've already committed myself to and then stop racing.  No more speed work, hill sprints or other painful training.  I'm just gonna run.

Well, maybe I'll quit the intense training after two more weeks.  I wouldn't mind claiming my age group title.